THEY WANTED TO TERRAFORM...THE EARTH?
Once more, Nick Pollotta has unleashed a bakers dozen of his comedy short stories, this collection ranging from Science Fiction to Mystery, and each tale crowned with his hallmark twist endings.
* After an exhausted wizard grants a young king a special favor, the history of the world is changed forever because of a snappy Broadway musical.
* Battling the ultimate evil, the only hope for a desperate British lawman is a new, and innovative, use of condiments.
* Ever wonder what would happen if Sherlock Holmes discovered that his best friend was a murderer? So did Watson, but not anymore.
* When nuclear war turns Earth into a savage paradise, a boy and his pet robot learn the ultimate rule for survival: keep your damn mouth shut.
* There is an excellent reason that rap stars always wear a crucifix and carry so many guns. The answer is simple...fangbangers.
So turn down the lights, lock the doors, butter the cat, and prepare for the unexpected!
BONUS: Also included is the complete script for Nick's comedy radio play, "Doc Bronze, Hero With a Tan", available for the first time to the general public.
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Double Dragon Publishing
February 27, 2008
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Excerpt from Invasion from Uranus by Nick Pollotta
"All right thrill seekers," the DJ said, leaning close into the microphone. "Plug in your electric danger shoes and go ask mom for a glass of water..."
He shot a finger at the soundproof booth across the studio, and the Sound Effects man hit a button on his complex control panel. There was a loud electric crackle, followed by a piercing scream and the dull thud of body drop.
"Because its time at WTGC..." the DJ shot out a finger again, and the SFX man hit a different button.
"All radio all the time!" happily sang an angelic choir over the wall speakers.
"...for us to interview noted Science Fiction author, Nick Polombo!"
The SFX man hit another button and thunderous applause sounded.
Sitting in the guest chair, a dark-haired man with wire-rim glasses and a bushy moustache scowled at that. "My name," Nick said with a strained smile, "is Pollotta. Three syllables, Poll-lot-ta. Nick Pollotta."
"Hey, you bet it is!" beamed the DJ with an idiotic grin. "So Mr. Pamplona-"
"Pollotta, you ass!"
"...I understand you were born and raised in New Jersey?"
Taking a breath, Nick relaxed and said, "Well, yes, but I escaped as soon as possible."
The SFX man hit a button and there came a roar of canned laughter.
Over his glasses, Nick scowled at the fellow behind the soundproof glass. "Would you please stop that?" he asked, furrowing his brow.
The man in the booth shook his head in the negative, and touched the Union pin on his label.
"Wow, that's fascinating," gushed the DJ. "And we will return to this radio interview with noted sci-fi guy, Nick Pollotta, right after this important word from our sponsor."
"The Gunderson Corporation!" sang the angelic chorus.
"Yes, the Gunderson Corporation!" the DJ intoned, leaning in closer to the mike, and dramatically lowered his voice, "Makers of Solar Flares! Felt tip pens that can write on the surface of the sun."
The SFX man hit a button, and a sizzling sound came.
"...and by Murphy's Law Soap!" the DJ continued. "Whatever can be cleaned, will be cleaned! So, if it fits in the palm of your hand, is made of plastic, costs under ten bucks and breaks in a week..."
There came the sound of shattering glass.
"...then you can be sure that it's another quality product from..."
"The Gunderson Corporation!" sang the chorus.
Sighing deeply, Nick began to slowly shake his head.
"And we're back," the DJ grinned at his unseen audience. "So Nick, I understand you became a stand-up comic in Brooklyn for a while?"
"In Manhattan, actually," Nick said, rallying once more. "And I was doing pretty well doing the nightclub circuit. But my true love has always been..."
"Internet porn star Ashley Juggs!" the DJ interrupted.
Almost dropping a cup of coffee, the SFX man frantically hit a button and there came the sounds of a two women having wild sex, followed by a crackle of fireworks, and then heavenly trumpets.
"Writing!" Nick muttered with a dark expression. "My true love has always been writing novels. Although I did spend several years creating advertising copy for radio stations."
"Wow, that's great!" the DJ cried out, as if he had just discovered radium. "So what was the first story?"
"First story written, or first story sold?" Nick asked politely.
"W-h-o-a there, professor brainiac!" the DJ chundered, raising both hands. "Don't try to trick me with your fancy Latin! I'm just a simple disk jockey."
"Latin? What Latin?" Nick asked, glancing about to see if it was somebody else the DJ was addressing. But there was only him in the talk booth, with the fiendishly grinning Sound Effects Man behind the glass wall.
"Are you okay, buddy?" Nick asked in concern.
Radiating bravado, the DJ beamed a toothy grin. "Of course! Everything is fine here at WTGC-"
"All radio, all the time!"
"Anyway..." Nick muttered, shifting position in his chair. "My first short story sold was, "The Incredibly Civil War," which is included in my new humor collection, 'Invasion from Uranus'."
The SFX man hit the button and a huge crowd roared with gales of laughter.
"Wow, you are a twisted little space monkey, ain't cha?" the DJ said, tilting his head from side to side.
Exhaling deeply, Nick tried to ignore that. "Yet my first short story ever written was actually a school assignment. It was in my junior year at Saddle Brook High School, and for once we were learning about something rather interesting; Luna."
"The one-legged, albino Latina rock star?"
"The moon," Nick corrected through clenched teeth. "After a long droning lecture, the Science teacher asked the class to write a story about playing sports on the moon. Everybody else groaned in misery..."
Nick paused to shoot a finger at the soundproof booth, and the SFX man came alive to hit a button generating a groan of misery.