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Unexpected When You're Expecting : Clear, Comprehensive, Month-by-Month Dread
The laugh-out-loud answer to the guide that has terrified millions!
So the pregnancy test is positive, and the only thing growing faster than your appetite for anything fried is your list of questions: How long until I have to pay through the nose for maternity wear? Is there anything I can do to prevent the scrapbooking instinct from kicking in? Relax. The advice in this book will be as easily digested as the now - forbidden caffeine you used to chug by the vat.
Sure, having your kidneys double as someone's couch sounds like kind of a downer, but that's just all the more reason why every pregnant woman needs this hysterical send-up. Mary K. Moore not only covers the 40 weeks of pregnancy but also tackles the stupor that is baby's first six months, including:
Naming baby: fruit or action verb?
Birth plans: your dreams, a doctor's comic relief
The politics of choosing diapers: landfill landmines or inconvenient napkins?
Spotlighting the absurdity of pregnancy and shaking the sugar-coating off symptoms - get ready for the breasts of a stripper and the bladder of a Shriner - The Unexpected When You're Expecting is a must-have for anyone with a uterus.
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August 31, 2008
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Excerpt from Unexpected When You're Expecting by Mary Moore
Chapter 1 Preggers: Yes or No? You think you might be pregnant. Immediately, you have visions of your glowing, radiant body blossoming into motherhood (except, of course, your arms, legs, butt, and face.) You'll buy a few empire-waist dresses, temporarily trade your heels for cute flats, and try to get used to being the center of attention. Think again. Welcome to invasion of the body snatchers. Only this time, it's an inside job. Congratulations. You're pregnant. Reminder: If you're Caucasian, say goodbye to those pink nipples, sweetie. You're headed to brown town. WHAT YOU MAY BE FREAKED OUT ABOUT "The pregnancy tests and my ob-gyn say no, but I just know that they're wrong. Could the doctor be messing with my head or dipping the wrong woman's urine?" You're delusional. Snap out of it. You can always have a vagina like a garage later. Go have a drink and a cigarette-even if you're not a smoker-for all those women out there for whom fun and vices will soon be a bitter, distant memory. Knowing for Sure: Test Time Welcome to the section of the pharmacy you didn't know existed. Move away from the lubes and products with silhouetted lovers and go toward the cooing infants. This is because there is no truth in advertising. If there were, you'd be looking for the image of the woman slapping her forehead or molesting a pint of ice cream. And get ready to piss on your hand. If you're normal, you'll have no idea about the trajectory of your own urine. If you're a marksman, it's probably because of some bizarre sorority pledging rite, which might be why you're here in the first place. But first you must pick a predictor. You'll find everything from off-name brands (Wee & Weep) to commercial favorites (E.P.T. Early Pregnancy Test: "What if you could know the moment you became pregnant?" or its lesser-known companion, E.P.T.E.S.P: "What if you could know if you'd become pregnant in the future?") The choices are limitless, unlike your clothing options in the months ahead. The display results vary with each test. Thanks to nervous women glutting up the pharmaceutical company's 800-number in double-line denial, wise product engineers have devised tests that now say "pregnant" or "not pregnant." (The standard "positive" or "not positive," as it turns out, all depends on your perspective. Just ask a jubilant-then-immediately-devastated teen.) The In-Office Verdict Now it's starting to sink in. You know you're pregnant. You're at the clinic, for chrissake. A blood test is just going to tell the doctor what you already know-you're terribly absent-minded when you're horny. Testing 1, 2, 3... A do and don't guide for testing intelligence: DO: Dispose of used wands in a covered garbage container. DON'T: Use as impromptu hair chopsticks. DO: Take a picture of your positive result for your scrapbook (if you've been trying for a long time.) DON'T: Use it to construct a new wing of the dollhouse you built from years of failed tests. DO: Test more than once for accuracy. DON'T: Use leftover wands for cocktails stirrers. DO: Test a few days later than your scheduled period for the most precise result. DON'T: Test a few months later to see if God and your post-sex purity pledge made it go away. Let's Get Physical This will be performed by either your ob-gyn or, if you're generally misguided, a midwife. You'll be asked to position yourself on the examining table or kitchen counter (see latter) with legs in stirrups. If given the choice, ask for a male physician. Then close your eyes and pretend you had a nice dinner together. Honestly, this is the last time in many months a man will look directly at your sugar walls without silently lamenting, Do I have to? Enjoy. Of note, it is possible to experience all of the symptoms of pregnancy and not be pregnant at all. That's either called being crazy or dating a star NFL/NBA play