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More Toppers! : More Hilarious Remembrances of Vietnam Vets Darrell Bain and Will Stafford
If you've read Toppers, you already know what to expect. If you haven't, get your funny bone ready for action. More Toppers contains forty thousand words of the hilarious mail sent to and from Darrell Bain and Will Stafford and it's all new! From Vietnam era humor to the modern day follies of a city boy trying to become a farmer, these two guys do their absolute best to top each other's stories. They swear every single word written about their pets, their wives and their aversion to honest labor is absolutely true but you'll have to judge that for yourself, if you can stop laughing long enough.
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Double Dragon Publishing
August 17, 2011
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Excerpt from More Toppers! by Darrell Bain
More Toppers! (Excerpt)
I just bought a replacement furry white catnip mouse. The dog and cats killed and rendered the other one into tiny little pieces fighting over whose turn it was to carry it around in their mouth. I didn't know dogs liked catnip but we seem to grow peculiar ones here.
You do seem to have something causing your animals to take on a decidedly different life style there in Texas. I have laughed till my sides ached with your description of the perverted antics of your dog and cats. It's got to be in the water. I can't think of any other explanation
Betty has to go have her teeth cleaned today. With that crazy heart syndrome she has to take a zillion units of penicillin the morning before anything even resembling surgery takes place. This in turn causes a yeast infection which costs a zillion dollars to cure. I was just wondering: is she supposed to take a zillion units of penicillin whenever she scratches, cuts, bruises herself, nicks her finger in the kitchen or garden, gets bit by a mosquito, etc.? It seems to me all these things are at least as invasive as simply having teeth cleaned. I bet it's a conspiracy of the drug companies to sell their stuff by golly.
I don't know why it is that when the girls get sick it seems to cost so much more to get them well. With the guys it seems all you have to do is slap a bandage on whatever part is hurting, take an APC, and don't call me unless it falls off. Karin's medical file folder is twice the size of mine and Mike's put together.
Porterhouse steak tonight with mushrooms and baked potato with butter and sour cream. Speaking of cream, while I was out I bought some Pralines 'N Cream ice cream. For Betty of course, and I doubt if I'll eat much steak. l'll probably just give my share to Biscuit. The tooth fairy will come tonight, too.
Not only do you put the knife in but you turn it a time or two also. Here I sit with my stomach chewing on my liver for a little nutrition and you tell me about steak, mushrooms, baked potato with butter (probably real butter), sour cream, and ice cream. You should be ashamed of yourself. Go stand in the corner.
I thought I got smart and hired two Mexicans yesterday. That just inspired Betty to think of twice as many things which needed doing. The hell with it. I'm going back to working by myself. At least that way I can sneak off and grab a nap every now and then instead of having to stand around all day supervising.
I once decided I would hire my youngest son (he was still in high school at the time) to be my yard man. That was some of the most expensive yard work I have ever done. I kept paying him for doing nothing and it seemed I was still mowing, edging, clipping, etc., etc. I think he has always looked on it as one of the best jobs he ever had. By the time I decided to give it up and get a professional (when Rick went off to FSU), I was getting pretty good at the yard work. I also think I had advanced him somewhere in the neighborhood of three years worth of yard mowing in advance which I never did collect on. Well, what he doesn't know is that I have deducted the yard mowing and a lot of other advances, plus his Bachelor and MBA degrees from his inheritance. I believe at this point his inheritance is somewhere in the minus category.
I found another use for bow saws besides cutting Christmas trees. They serve nicely to make new and interesting scars. I'm surprised I hadn't discovered that before.
Darrell, turn the saw blade back around before you cut your arm or leg off. Or use the dull side. It leaves a less jagged scar.
We're already beginning to get early shoppers. They tell us we have pretty
trees but I think they just heard we were bankrupt and are trying to make me feel good.
It was just two or three weeks ago you were telling me how ratty the trees were. I'm beginning to think you don't know what you're talking about when it comes to evaluating a Christmas tree. Maybe you need a professional. I know this kid who use to mow my lawn (before he went to FSU) whom you might hire.
I freely admit that I can't tell what constitutes a good tree. Neither can our customers, for my money or we would have been out of business by now. Betty claims she can and I go along with her.
If Betty is anything like Karin, claiming to know what constitutes a good tree isn't the only thing she is an expert at.
We have a plague of possums since Tiger died. Biscuit doesn't seem to get the idea yet. He thinks they are to play with.
Please don't lead Biscuit down that sexually perverted path Tiger took. Actually, I'm still jealous of Biscuit and the steak bones he is getting. Makes me want to see if there is any way I can file adoption papers on myself. I haven't lost any more weight but I sure am hungry all the time. Well, I haven't gained any of the weight I lost back either. For me, that goes in the win column.
He isn't getting any bones (food bones, that is) right now. This is grab and snatch food time until after Christmas. The first thing your hand touches in the fridge or pantry is usually what we eat. This makes for some strange meals but also gives us a chance to use up all that stuff in containers and foil wrap in the freezers which we've forgotten what is. A new surprise every day. However, I didn't care for the pineapple juice we had for supper last night.
When my brother and I were kids something like a soft drink around the house was a real treat. We kept three or four cokes in the pantry but those were for Dad when he thought he was going to have trouble sleeping and mixed up some bourbon and coke. Dad had trouble sleeping two or three times a week. We were rationed even on orange juice for breakfast. We each got a small glass and when I say small, these glasses were just a bit larger than a thimble. There was no such thing as a second helping of orange juice.
So, with that as background. One day cow patty and I came home from school and it was a particularly hot day. Mom always kept a glass jar of water in the refrigerator so we headed for the fridge. Actually we raced for the refrigerator and I won. I grabbed the water jar and was gulping down water in an attempt to drink the entire contents and thus deprive the hairball of any. Suddenly he spied a glass with something in it and grabbed it. He held it up and damned if it didn't look like pineapple juice. Mom had been baking because the smell was still in the air.
I grabbed for the glass but hairball was faster and downed the contents of the glass. The look on his face was memorable. He started gagging and trying to spit the liquid out but it was too late.
Mom had sure enough been baking and whatever it was she baked, she needed several egg yokes for it but not the egg whites. Old cow patty had drunk several egg whites. I laughed my butt off.
Note* Cow Patty and Hairball are both names Will keeps in store for his little brother.
My little brother tried to drink something before I did, too. He was very
young. So was I, for that matter. What he drank was a glass of kerosene (I don't know what it was doing in a glass). That cost a hospital trip for him and a spanking for me for not watching him, which I thought was grossly unfair. I watched him drink the whole glass.
I guess that's what little brothers are supposed to do. That is, do stupid things that get their older brothers in trouble. For my money, I vote for your being very attentive. As you said, you did watch him drink the whole glass, therefore, in a strictly legal sense, you did watch him. I believe you will find, the definition of watching was completely and truthfully met and as such, you cannot be held responsible for his action. Does that garbage sound familiar? Maybe I should run for President. If that jerk can shave the truth that finely, why not us lowly mortals also?
Somehow, I got dragooned into making wreaths yesterday. I got out of it at
first by claiming I had to get an emergency haircut, then told Betty that I thought the tires on the truck and car looked a smidgen low and I had better go have them checked--at my favorite station about 50 miles north. She told me she had just had the tires checked and to shut up and get to work and that was that.
It was a nice try and I applaud your inventiveness. Because it didn't work is beside the point, the effort to get out of work is the important point. Of course it would be a nice addition if it really worked. Most of the time mine don't work either.
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