I Need Your Love - Is That True? : How to Stop Seeking Love, Approval, and Appreciation and Start Finding Them Instead
In Loving What Is, bestselling author Byron Katie introduced thousands of people to her simple and profound method of finding happiness through questioning the mind. Now, I Need Your Love-Is That True examines a universal, age-old source of anxiety: our relationships with others. In this groundbreaking book, Katie helps you question everything you have been taught to do to gain love and approval. In doing this, you discover how to find genuine love and connection.The usual advice offered in self-help books and reinforced by our culture advocates a stressful, all-consuming quest for love and approval. We are advised to learn self-marketing and manipulative skills-how to attract, impress, seduce, and often pretend to be something we aren't. This approach doesn't work. It leaves millions of walking wounded-those who, having failed to find love or appreciation, blame themselves and conclude that they are unworthy of love.
Katie reintroduces the form of self-questioning called "The Work" that she originally presented in Loving What Is, but here she tackles relationships-and what spoils them. According to Katie (writing with the help of Katz, who is also her agent), rather than seeking love and approval from others, you need to find them in yourself. What often blocks that love is one's perception of reality: "If you believe your stressful thoughts, your life is filled with stress. But if you question your thoughts, you come to love your life and everyone in it." "The Work" is central to the process of taking a judgmental thought-such as "my partner is supposed to make me happy"-and subjecting it to four powerful questions, such as "Is it true " and "Who or what would I be without the thought " Then Katie suggests turning the thought around and considering different options, such as making yourself happy and making your partner happy. Finally, she suggests ways to find love and acceptance in yourself. Katie's chatty style and her use of detailed dialogues and simple exercises will make many readers feel transformation is inevitable. (On sale Mar. 22) Forecast: A 15-city author tour should help launch this to the sales levels of Loving What Is (110,000 copies in cloth and paper). Copyright 2005 Reed Business Information. -- PUBLISHERS WEEKLY.
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April 04, 2005
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Excerpt from I Need Your Love - Is That True? by Byron Katie
1: DO YOU BELIEVE WHAT YOU THINK
Have you ever felt that the harder you look for love, the more it seems to elude you Or that seeking approval makes you feel insecure If you have, there's a reason. It's because seeking love and approval is a sure way to lose the awareness of both. You can lose the awareness of love, but never love itself. Love is what we are. So, if love is what we are, why do we look for it so hard, and often with such poor results Only because of what we think--the thoughts we believe that are not true.
You don't have to believe any of this. You can verify it for yourself as you read this book or when you put the book down and ask four questions about your own relationships, or lack of them, and discover how your life changes.
In the pursuit of love, approval, and appreciation, what do we think We think that the love and approval of others are the keys to the kingdom--to every good thing in the world. We think that seeking romance brings love, a sexual partner, long-term closeness, marriage, family. And we think that trying to impress society--trying to win the admiration of the right people is our best shot at bringing fame, wealth, and satisfaction into our lives.
So we think that if we succeed in the quest, we're home: safe, warm, and appreciated. And what if we fail We're homeless, out in the cold, lost in the crowd, unnoticed, lonely, and forgotten. If those are the stakes, no wonder the quest can be so fearful and all-consuming. No wonder a compliment can make your day and a harsh word can ruin it.
The big, primitive fears rarely rise to the surface. Few people walk around actually thinking that they're about to fall through the cracks of society and vanish. Instead, thousands of anxious thoughts appear all day long: "Was I noticed " "Why didn't she smile " "Did I make a good impression " "Why hasn't he returned my call " "Do I look okay " "Should I have said that " "What do they think of me now " It's a constant monitoring to see if we're gaining or losing ground in the grand approval sweepstakes. Those little doubts are rarely noticed or questioned, and yet they set in motion hundreds of strategies designed to win favor and admiration, or just to please. The unspoken belief is that unless people approve of you, you're worthless.
The irony is that the struggle to win love and approval makes it very difficult to experience them. Chronic approval seekers don't realize that they are loved and supported not because of but despite their efforts. And the more strenuously they seek, the less likely they are to notice.
How do we get into this predicament For a few pages, we'll just look at the ways unquestioned thoughts create our experience. We'll see how often-unnoticed thoughts that most of us share lead us to needing, wanting, longing, and reaching for what we already have. The thoughts behind a familiar 3 a.m. anxiety attack are a good place to start.