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Free-Range Chickens

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Overview

In his riotous debut collection,Ant Farm, Simon Rich found humor in some of life's most desperate situations. Now this former editor of The Harvard Lampoonand current writer forSaturday Night Live has returned to mine more comedy from our hopelessly terrifying world. In the nostalgic opening chapter, Rich recalls his fear of the Tooth Fairy ("Is there a face fairy"?) and his initial reaction to the "Got-your-nose" game ("Please just kill me. Better to die than to live the rest of my life as a monster"). He goes on to present Count Dracula?s desperate Match.com profile ("I am normal human looking for human woman to come to castle. I am normal, regular human"). Later, he gets inside the heads of two firehouse Dalmatians who can't understand their masters' compulsion to drive off to horrible fires every day.And in the final chapter, he tackles some of life's biggest questions: Does God really have a plan for us? Yes,it turns out. Now if only He could remember what it was....

Editorial Reviews

Editorial Reviews for this product are not available at this time.

Author Information

Bio of Simon Rich

Simon Rich is the author of Ant Farm. He is a twenty-three-year-old graduate of Harvard University, where he was president of The Harvard Lampoon. He currently writes for Saturday Night Live and lives in New York City.

Customer Reviews

  • 2 stars out of 5Good start, slow finish

    Posted December 26, 2008 by Dave Newberry, Whitman, MA

    An interesting slant on life which starts in childhood and ends with work and religion. The book had a good start but finished disappointingly.

    Worth the zero price in the way of publicity to the author but would have felt cheated if I had spent money on this book.

  • 5 stars out of 5I laughed out loud!

    Posted December 29, 2008 by Picky reader, Montréal

    This is a great read for those of us who don't have time to spend getting back into the story after being disturbed by life! Just a great book about how thoughts can be quite twisted and entertaining.

  • 1 star out of 5Don't waste your money

    Posted January 02, 2009 by Sarah, Manchester, NH

    Thankfully I downloaded this book as part of the free download offer. Maybe I was missing something, but I thought it was bad! Don't waste your money downloading this book!

  • 4 stars out of 5Funny, laugh out loud funny...

    Posted January 05, 2009 by Mary H-W, Webb, AL

    This one is a quick read and a laugh a minute. Things we all thought about but never put on paper, well Simon did. Great evening laughs.

  • 5 stars out of 5A laugh at the absurdities in life!

    Posted January 09, 2009 by JLT, So. California city

    Remarkable daily things put into witty humor that made me laugh out loud! I have shared this book with at least 3 other people and they all laughed, too. A quick read you can pick up and put down at your leisure. Although you won't want to put it down!

  • 4 stars out of 5Amusing shorts for a casual read

    Posted January 22, 2009 by Slepp, Alberta, Canada

    I read through this book fairly quickly, but in short 5 minute bursts. I found the one to three page "chapters" to be a good fit for the material, since there is no general connection from page to page. The content was all very random, sometimes quite funny, sometimes I didn't quite get the point. It's definitely worth a download, however.

  • 5 stars out of 5Witty and refreshingly different

    Posted February 19, 2009 by Winnie, Singapore

    I found the mini-stories very witty - the author presented new perspectives in a very entertaining way. I laughed out loud a few times. A book to read to distract you from the mundane and the stress of work life. It's a thin book so it's good for light reading.

  • 1 star out of 5Too fluffy

    Posted March 22, 2009 by Arielle, Houston

    Some of it was funny, but with a sort of juvenile type of humor that wears thin quickly. I'd be disappointed if I paid for this book, but like another reviewer, I was able to get if on a free download.

  • 4 stars out of 5Corny

    Posted April 01, 2009 by Rich O., Philly

    Very funny if you enjoy corny humor. It's a very quick read. --Don't know if that's good or bad, but I enjoyed it. ...got my copy for free, otherwise probably wouldn't have bought it. I'm generally a SciFi guy, but this was a nice break.

  • 5 stars out of 5very funny

    Posted October 24, 2009 by Michael Luna, Houston

    think "the farside" without pictures. this book made me laugh out loud.

Additional Info

Imprint

Random House

Filesize

772.17 KB

Number of Pages

144

eBook ISBN

9781588367327

Excerpt from: Free-Range Chickens by Simon Rich

Terrifying childhood experiences -Got your nose! -Please just kill me. Better to die than to live the rest of my life as a monster. -What's that in your ear? Hey-it's a quarter! -Why is everybody laughing? I have a horrifying brain disease. -Peek-a-boo! -Jesus Christ. You came out of nowhere. When I lost my first tooth me: You're never going to believe this. I was hanging out with my friends and all of a sudden, a tooth fell out of my mouth. I think there's something seriously wrong with me. mom: Looks like the tooth fairy's coming to town! me: Who? mom: The tooth fairy. She visits children in the middle of the night and takes their teeth. me: Is she . . . a cannibal? mom: No, she's a fairy. me: What else does she take? Does she take eyes? mom: No, just teeth. And when she's done, she leaves a surprise under your pillow. me: Oh my God. mom: I wonder what it'll be this time? me: Okay . . . let's not panic here. There's got to be a way to trap her or kill her. We just need to think. mom: You don't want to kill the tooth fairy. me: Why not? Wait a minute . . . I see what's going on. You're in cahoots with her! God, it all makes sense now . . . how else would she know that I had lost a tooth in the first place? mom: I think someone's getting a little sleepy. me: Wait until Dad finds out about this! mom: He knows about the tooth fairy, sweetie. me: Jesus Christ. How high up does this thing go? mom: Let's get you tucked in. me: Listen . . . as long as we're laying it all on the line, you might as well be straight with me. What other fairies are you working with? Is there a face fairy? mom: There's just a tooth fairy, sweetie. She comes every time you lose a tooth. me: What do you mean "every time"? I'm going to lose more teeth? mom: You're going to lose all of them. A conversation between the people who hid in my closet every night when I was seven freddy krueger: When do you guys want to kill him? murderer from the six o'clock news: How about right now? dead uncle whose body i saw at an open casket funeral: I say we do it when he gets up to pee. You know, when he's walking down the hallway, in the dark. freddy krueger: What if he doesn't get up? murderer: He'll get up. Look at how he's squirming. It's only a matter of time. dead uncle: Man, I cannot wait to kill this kid. murderer: Same here. freddy krueger: I've wanted to kill him ever since he saw my movie. dead uncle: Hey, do you guys remember that night-light Simon used to have? murderer: Man, that thing scared the heck out of me. freddy krueger: It's a good thing his mom got rid of it. Now there's nothing to stop us from killing him. (Everyone nods in agreement.) dr. murphy: Hey, guys, sorry I'm late. I was busy scheduling an appointment with Simon, to give him shots. freddy krueger: No problem. (Freddy Krueger and Dr. Murphy do their secret handshake.) murderer: It's getting kind of crowded in here. Chucky, can you move over? chucky: I'm over as far as I can get. murderer: I need more space than you're giving me. I'm a lot bigger than you. chucky: Are you calling me short? dr. murphy: Hey, guys, relax, all right? We're all here for the same reason: to kill and possibly eat Simon. murderer: (Sighs.)