Will Our Love Last?

A young woman -- call her Jane -- sits on the couch in my consulting room. She is wearing a tailored wool suit and has the crisp, put-together look of the successful career woman that she is. Jane is distraught and tearful. Her long, straight hair sweeps across her face as she cries. Between her sobs, this is what she says:


I don't know if I love Bob anymore. But why shouldn't I? He's the perfect person. He's handsome, thoughtful, polite, hardworking, successful. He's from a great family. I know I loved him in the beginning...I think. But now, after being married five years, it's different. And then this guy in the office, Jim. I know he's interested in me. And I'm so attracted to him, he's getting harder and harder to resist. He's not nearly as good-looking as Bob, yet when I'm around him -- when I think of him -- I get this sexual rush. And when we talk, I feel so in tune with him. I think I love him -- but I shouldn't.

Like so many people, married or not, Jane is mystified by love. She knows how love feels, but she doesn't know what love is. She can't account for why it flowers in her heart and why it withers. Mystified as she is by love, she can't answer one crucial question -- a question whose answer will determine the future course of her life: Am I with the Right Person?

Men and women in love are haunted by this question. You may be haunted by it right now. You know that most people's marriages are not happy. You know -- we all know -- the statistics: Half of all marriages break up. As for the other half, you know that many of those people are not happy. They're trapped inside their "intact" marriages. And what spooks you most of all is knowing that many of these unhappy people were passionately in love at the start -- just as you may be right now.

But you also know that some people's marriages are happy, and stay happy for a very long time -- forever. You've seen and read true stories about happily married couples -- Paul and Linda McCartney, for example. You may even know a happily married couple or two yourself. You see that the people in these marriages seem to work together smoothly as a team. They seem to genuinely like each other and to enjoy each other's company. And if you know them well enough, they may have even confided to you that they enjoy each other in bed -- even after having been together for many years. When we get married, we hope that ours will be one of those exceptional, happy marriages. What makes the difference between a happy and an unhappy marriage?