Sexual Bloopers: An Outrageous, Uncensored Collection of People's Most Embarrassing X-Rated Fumbles

CHAPTER I: THE BIRDS AND THE BEES: TALES FROM PUBERTY AND THE AGE OF INNOCENCE




A CAN IN THE HAND IS WORTH TWO IN THE BUSH
Carla, 47

I couldn't have been more than 10 when a new deodorant product, F.D.S., came on the market. Hoping to get women to try it, the manufacturer gave out samples in the store. My mother took one home and placed it in our medicine cabinet, right next to the aerosol can of Arrid. My older sister was 14; I noticed she had begun using deodorant spray under her arms, just like our mom did. Wanting desperately to be grown up like them, I secretly started using it, too. Underneath the large letters, FDS, were the words feminine deodorant spray. I hadn't the slightest idea what that meant. As far as I could tell, it was just another brand of deodorant.

One day, my mother happened to catch me spraying the FDS under my arms. Taking the can from my hand and replacing it with the Arrid, she smiled and explained that the FDS was a special kind of deodorant, not meant for underarms. I looked at her, completely puzzled. "Where do you use it, then " I asked. Her answer was very straightforward: "It's for a woman to spray on her pubic hair to keep it smelling fresh." I looked at her like she was out of her mind! "Eeeuuu!" I said as I strained to grasp her explanation. "Who smells you down there "

To this day, I get a private little chuckle every time my husband of 25 years goes down on me.




20/20 HINDSIGHT
Wayne, 50

Though I'd like to think of myself as much more sexually savvy today, I can never forget my very humble (and shortsighted) beginnings.

I had a very strict Catholic upbringing. Sex -- or anything remotely connected to it -- was never, ever discussed in the light of day. In spite of this (or maybe because of it), I was all of 10 when I discovered the secret thrill of jacking myself off. Despite the fact that I'd heard some really scary things could happen to a kid as a result of such sinful behavior (like going blind), I still went at it pretty regularly for the next few months. For a while there, I thought I was actually able to sneak one past God...until the results of my school eye test indicated that I now needed reading glasses. God had seemingly discovered my dirty little secret! Fearing his wrath, I made an earnest attempt to stop and repent, but I just couldn't seem to give it up permanently, and within a few short weeks, I was back to my old tricks. Another school year went by and, once again, I found myself standing behind the line on the classroom floor, trying to read the eye chart that hung from the blackboard. Much to my horror, my vision had gotten even worse and a stronger pair of glasses was now required! Now I was really getting worried, especially since I saw no end in sight for my evil ways. I started taking note of other kids and grown-ups who wore glasses and assumed they too were secretly taking their chances and jacking off just like me. Sometimes, I'd ask to look through other people's glasses. If their lenses were stronger than mine I'd feel a bit relieved, believing I still had a way to go before I lost my sight entirely!