How to Have That Difficult Conversation You've Been Avoiding: With Your Spouse, Adult Child, Boss, Coworker, Best Friend, Parent, or Someone You're Dating

How to Have That Difficult Conversation You've Been Avoiding Copyright � 2003, 2005 by Henry Cloud and John Townsend Formerly titled: Boundaries Face to Face Requests for information should be addressed to: Zondervan, Grand Rapids, Michigan 49530 Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Cloud, Henry. [Boundaries face to face] How to have that difficult conversation you've been avoiding : with your spouse, your adult child, your boss, your coworker, your best friend, your parent, someone you're dating / Henry Cloud and John Townsend. - 1st ed. p. cm. Originally published: Boundaries face to face. Grand Rapids, Mich. : Zondervan, c2003. With discussion guide. ISBN-13: 978-0-310-26714-0 ISBN-10: 0-310-26714-5 I. Townsend, John Sims, 1952- II. Title. BV4597.53.C58C59 2006 158.2 - dc22 2005027779 All Scripture quotations, unless otherwise indicated, are taken from the Holy Bible: New International Version�. NIV�. Copyright � 1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved. Italics in Scripture quotations are added by the authors for emphasis. Scripture quotations marked nasb are from the New American Standard Bible�, � Copyright 1960, 1962, 1963, 1968, 1971, 1972, 1973, 1975, 1977 by The Lockman Foundation. The website addresses recommended throughout this book are offered as a resource to you. These websites are not intended in any way to be or imply an endorsement on the part of Zondervan, nor do we vouch for their content for the life of this book. All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means - electronic, mechanical, photocopy, recording, or any other - except for brief quotations in printed reviews, without the prior permission of the publisher. Published in association with Yates & Yates, LLP, Attorneys and Counselors, Suite 1000, Literary Agent, Orange, CA. Interior design by Beth Shagene Printed in the United States of America 05 06 07 08 09 10 11 - 19 18 17 16 15 14 13 12 11 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 The Talk Can Change Your Life As we speak around the country at conferences on relationships, we will often hear some version of the following story. A man will come up and say, "Thanks for your materials on setting limits and boundaries. They have changed my life and my marriage." We will say, "Thank you, too. So what book did you read?" "I didn't read a book," the man will say. "My wife did!" He will go on to explain: "I was a crummy communicator with my wife. I controlled her, I had some bad habits, and I had no spiritual life to speak of. Then she read Boundaries, and she started applying the principles. That's when things started changing for both of us. It took some time and effort, but I'm really different now. We are closer, and we have more respect for each other and more freedom in the relationship. I'm doing a lot better with those bad habits, and I'm waking up to my relationship with God." You would normally expect someone to talk about a book he has actually read. However, this man's unexpected response illustrates a reality: The person who has the problem in a relationship often isn't taking responsibility for his problem. This was bad news for the man's wife. She wanted to see change, but he either didn't see a problem, thought it wasn't a big issue, or thought his wife was overreacting. This can leave the wife who cares for her husband feeling helpless, discouraged, and less able to feel love in her heart for him. But there is good news. Though the person with the problem may not be taking responsibility for, or "owning," the problem, the person affected by the problem can change things. You may