Santa Lives!: Five Conclusive Arguments for the Existence of Santa Claus

CHAPTER ONE
The Ontological Argument
IT is possible to imagine a perfect Santa Claus. But this perfection would not be complete if it did not include existence. Indeed, a Santa Claus who didn't exist would not be perfect for, if he did not exist, then no matter how jolly, fat, and generous he was, how could he bring us presents?

Therefore, the perfect Santa Claus, because we can imagine him, must exist.

ELABORATION OF THE ONTOLOGICAL ARGUMENT
It is not only possible to imagine the perfect Santa Claus, it is very easy to do so. Indeed, I am doing so right now. See.

All right, admittedly, at that moment I was not imagining a perfect Santa Claus. I was imagining myself playing strip miniature golf with Charlize Theron. Why? Because it amuses me. But all I need do is replace that imagining with a conception of the perfect Santa Claus. As I will do, with the swiftness of thought, at once.

It would seem that I am not disposed to do so at this moment. Nonetheless, if I were able to think of something besides a seminude Charlize Theron (holding a putter no, holding my putter posing fetchingly in front of a scale-model castle), I could quite easily conceive of a perfect Santa Claus.

Let the reader imagine that I have done so. Or let the reader do so him- or herself, if the reader is so smart. In any case, there he is: the perfect Santa.

Everyone knows what he looks like; even small children, who know almost nothing, know that the perfect Santa Claus is fat, jolly, and Caucasian. He has a long white beard. He wears a red suit trimmed in white fur and a red floppy conical hat topped with a white pom-pom. (It has often been asked, "A red suit trimmed in white fur and a red floppy conical hat topped with a white pom-pom? Are you suggesting that the perfect Santa Claus is gay?" No. Santa Claus is not gay?although his being perfect exists entirely apart from his being not gay. It simply happens to be the case that Santa Claus is heterosexual. Indeed, he enjoys a committed monogamous relationship with a woman. He wears shiny black boots, which, like his belt, are probably made of patent leather, but he is still not gay.)

The perfect Santa Claus maintains his primary residence at the North Pole, which is also, when he is not making deliveries, his place of business. And suddenly it strikes one: Could Santa be an Eskimo. Could it be that he speaks with an Eskimo accent (whatever that means) In fact, Santa not only speaks unaccented American English, he does so in orotund tones ("Me-r-r-r-ry Christmas!") and with mellow sonorities that often sound remarkably like those of Walter Cronkite. And, say what you will about Walter Cronkite, no one has ever mistaken him for an Eskimo.

Thus Santa Claus the man. But our portrait of the perfect Santa Claus would not be complete without a brief description of his principal professional activity.

He commands a sleigh pulled by reindeer.although whether they total eight or nine in number and whether or not the nose of one is a red lightbulb depends upon which song they're playing on the oldies station or which poem you're listening to on NPR on Christmas Eve. (I am something of a devotee of these recitations and have sent three separate e-mails to National Public Radio suggesting that, for a refreshing change of pace this upcoming season, they might wish to produce a rendition of "The Night Before Christmas" in Klingon. I have not yet received a reply.) The reindeer can fly.