If You Had Controlling Parents

Healthier Parenting Versus Controlling Parenting
If you bungle raising your children, nothing else matters much in life.
--Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis

Healthy parenting is simple: Raise children well and set them free.
Being a healthy child is also simple: Play, learn, grow up, and leave home.
But while both job descriptions are simple, neither is easy. The primary difference between healthier families and controlling families is that the parents in healthier families allow their children to grow up as persons in their own right.
Controlling parents fail to protect and nurture, robbing their children of playtime by using harsh or erratic discipline. They model unhealthy habits and hamstring their sons' and daughters' efforts to individuate. That's why people who grow up controlled sometimes struggle to emotionally leave home well into their thirties, forties, or fifties.
The following chart shows eight major differences between healthier families and controlling families. You might notice which side of the chart most closely parallels your childhood experience.


Characteristics of Healthier Vs. Controlling Families
Healthier FamiliesControlling Families
1.Nurturing Love
*Parental love is relatively
constant
*Children get affection,
attention, and nurturing
touch
*Children are told they
are wanted and loved
2.Respect
*Children are seen and
valued for who they are
*Children's choices are
accepted
3.Open Communication
*Expressing honest
thought is valued more
than saying something a
certain way
*Questioning and dissent
are allowed
*Problems are
acknowledged and
addressed
4.Emotional Freedom
*It's okay to feel sadness,
fear, anger and joy
*Feelings are accepted as
natural

Healthier FamiliesControlling Families
5.Encouragement
*Children's potentials are
encouraged
*Children are praised
when they succeed and
given compassion when
they fail
6.Consistent Parenting

*Parents set appropriate,
consistent limits
*Parents see their role as
guides
*Parents allow children
reasonable control over
their own bodies and
activities
7.Encouragement of an Inner
Life
*Children learn
compassion for
themselves
*Parents communicate
their values but allow
children to develop their
own values
*Learning, humor, growth
and play are present
8.Social Connections
*Connections with others
are fostered
*Parents pass on a broader
vision of responsibility to
others and to society

The Consequences of Unhealthy Parenting
Healthier parents try, often intuitively and within whatever limits they face, to provide nurturing love, respect, communication, emotional freedom, consistency, encouragement of an inner life, and social connections. By and large they succeed--not all the time, perhaps not even most of the time, but often enough to compensate for normal parental mistakes and difficulties.
Overcontrol, in contrast, throws young lives out of balance: Conditional love, disrespect, stifled speech, emotional intolerance, ridicule, dogmatic parenting, denial of an inner life, and social dysfunction take a cumulative toll.
Controlling families are particularly difficult for sensitive children, who experience emotional blows and limits on their freedom especially acutely. Sensitive children also tend to blame themselves for family problems.
The more your experience mirrored the "Controlling Families" side of the preceding chart, the greater your risk of inheriting distorted views. You might note whether one or more of the following five distortions causes problems in your present life:
1.Distortions of Power and Size
If one or both parents demanded absolute control and dependence or treated you in ways that made you feel small, you may have inherited distortions of power and size. You may automatically view yourself as less capable than others or, alternatively, as so big and powerful that you have to protect others from yourself.