Aunt Penelope's Harem

"Oh, God, yes! Don't stop! Don't stop! Harder! Harder!"

Melanie Clover really wished that she were the one making those requests instead of the one lying alone in bed hearing them through the thin apartment wall. Here she was, halfway through her twenty-third consecutive month without sex, being forced to listen almost every night while her neighbors went at it in a frenzy of nymphomaniacal glee. Though at least tonight the woman wasn't shouting out Olympic-style ratings for each pelvic thrust.

She tried to ignore them and focus on the handheld video game she was playing, Milton Monkey's Banana Quest. She'd gathered two hundred and eighty-seven bananas, her all-time record, and if she found thirteen more she'd move on to level six. This was the highlight of her day, made even more pathetic by the fact that she'd gotten this far by using a hint guide she had downloaded off the Internet.

"Oooooooh, fuck me, you stud! Sledge that hammer! Sledge that hammer!"

She sighed deeply. Life was so cruel. Why did this neighbor lady, who stole Melanie's newspaper every morning, deserve to get bed-breakingly laid while the closest Melanie had come to sex in the past year was catching a brief glimpse of the cable repairman's butt crack?

It just wasn't fair.

It wasn't like she was unattractive or bitchy or foul smelling. When she was a kid she'd hated her curly red hair and freckles, but she'd long outgrown that phase and now at age thirty she only hated the way she could get sunburned just by looking at a picture of the sun. Sure, she'd put on a few extra pounds from her childhood discovery that chocolate tasted really good, but she carried the weight well. And she had big tits. So why was she dateless?

That is, aside from her unbearable shyness and the fact that she rarely left her apartment except to go to work. Kind of hard to get laid without going out to meet the type of gentleman who would graciously lay her.

She successfully maneuvered Milton Monkey past the mutant coconut creature and acquired another banana. Yes! She was the Banana Queen! Hail Melanie! All kneel before her might!

"Ooooh...oooooh God...oooohhhh..."

A different voice, coming from a different spot. Now the neighbors on the other side of her apartment were having sex. That was just mean. Had they no sense of compassion? No simple human decency?

"Harder! Harder! Fuck me with that rocket!"

"Oooohhhhhh...oh Lord, yes...oooohhhhh that's sooooo goooood..."

"Fuck me, baby, fuck me! Ram me! Show me no mercy!"

"Oooohhhhhhhh yeeeeessssssss..."

"Harder! Give me all you've got!"

"Oooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..."

"Okay, it's Joey's turn now!"

Milton Monkey fell into the lava pit.

Melanie shut off the game, closed her eyes, and mourned his tragic loss...